After Thought

I feel like today is a day about relationships – because I’ve seen three Sandra Bullock films today, and it has numbed my brain into quotes like this: “Don’t ever be someone’s slogan, because you’re poetry.”

If you’ve already read the previous blog you’ll see that I was a real dick not too long ago, not that I’m not still a dick – but now I don’t rip out people’s hearts and stomp on them. I can look back now and reason both sides, but I truly do feel a bad person for how I treated people. It wasn’t as if I ever cheated, but there was always a manipulation behind me. I grew out of that phase, but I still meet people who attempt it (very poorly) in the same way I did, but six years later, and it is really worrying. Eventually I grew up, I gained morals and a new circle of friends, and I learnt that I was a huge douche, all whist I was still a teenager, so I’m confused how adolescents can still mimic the behaviour of a child.

            It’s not as if people need to grow up, but people need to be able to look at themselves and realize that they’re a bit of knob, and be able to laugh at yourself. I’ve met way too many people who fear humiliation, terrified of looking bad and unable to look back and realize there mistakes; instead they just shift the blame on to whatever suits. There is a big difference between what I did in secondary school to fall to the pressures of school politics, and being over the age of 20 and still trying to lower other people in the hope to better yourself. It’s just a bit stupid really.

Because I can only do so much people hating before I turn into an amorphous blob of bitterness:
- My wrist hurts... Probably from typing blog posts.
- I demand someone give me a menial task to do, I will lick envelopes, I will staple - anything.
- Why does Sandra Bullock always play the same role in films? - I may write her a letter, because I'm British and that is what we do.

Going Through the Motions

I’ve never been a relationship person, I didn’t see the appeal when I was younger, whilst my friends in secondary school only cared about the social politics of school and the prospect of a boyfriend I was much happier to be left to read. But I succumbed to social etiquette and mocked interest, I didn’t do that very well and the girls around me steadily became more irritated that I didn’t show the same enthusiasm, so I took the next step, I decided that if someone was to ask me on a date I would agree, and back out of it afterwards; this was not a good idea.

            Whereas most teenage girls where born with tact, and general humility I apparently wasn’t and my first encounter of someone telling me they liked me was in primary school, after which I laughed at him until he cried and then went on to tell the whole table I was sitting on about it… Yeah. I was a real douche bag. So yeah, if someone was to ask me out I would publicly say yes, and then back out through text – yes, that was the plan – the first person to do it to I felt so bad that I decided against leading him along… and instead rejected him (quite brutally) in front of his friends. I got the hang of it eventually, and then decided that I could use this to my advantage, I decided to get more tactical; if you thought I wasn’t already a terrible example of humanity. I realized instead of just going with things I could make friends with people who were excelling in areas I wasn’t (I had the liberal arts, history and science down, but wasn’t doing as well in foreign languages and maths) and instead of the usual 4-24 hour ‘relationships’ I could easily span it out to 5-7 days and re-purpose spending time with them into study sessions. Easy enough, and once they ran out of use I’d find a way to get them to break up with me – I’d usually just complain a lot, and the best was asking where the relationship is going (nothing works quicker than asking that after 3 days). If you're wondering why I'd find ways to make them break up with me, simply because it played better for my favor to have them make the choice.

I carried on doing this until I was 15, when I met my ex and then I decided that instead of wasting time I could start a long term relationship with someone on my par, who I could care about and in turn get rid of any social ties to ‘boyfriends’ during my GCSE’s and A-Levels. I was with him until my 19^th Birthday, and the end of my first year of University, but of course being me, the biggest douche on Earth, I decided that the best way to break up after four years was on Facebook. That ended really well. So after leading a trail of disaster behind my wake I decided that this time I would have the interests of others before my own, I became close to some creative writers and saw them as really good friends – but this time something new emerged, a couple of spiders who disliked the new friendships over fear I’d become the new ‘queen bee’ (because apparently we had been transported to the plot of Mean Girls). So even when doing my best to protect the interests of those around me I still couldn’t stop external forces doing the work for me.

Relationships seem malignant, or at least that is what they can make people, I’ve always been surrounded by people who soon turn when romance is involved – friends who will bitch about other friends to appear better, or to remove competition – so much jealously and bitterness shows in those you would never suspect. Why do people hold such ground in having a partner, as if you would be incomplete without one, instead of making friends (which could turn into something more) people latch onto romance, always looking for a partner and creating anxieties about themselves because of it.

            I’ve never cared about relationships, which is why I was such an ass-hat (yes, it is a word) when I was younger, but it stopped me doing what so many other friends have done – constantly seeking a partner until it becomes an unachievable fantasy, and you only hate yourself for not reaching that end goal. I blame TV for this, and annoying ‘couples’ on social networking sites (you know the: I HaVe OnLy NeW u 4 2 DaYz BuT u Iz Da 1) making relationships seem a big deal, they’re really not… I mean, have you seen Jordan? Exactly.

Dealing with Dyslexia*

(Dsylexai*)

It’s another May post – because now University has finished my life has no meaning anymore – and, sticking to the lovely votes bloggers gave me, this will both a personal blog and one containing my utter contempt for all those around me (as if this is a new concept within my blog). So today my DSA delivery is finally arriving, the DSA is the Disabled Student Allowance and depending on the level of mental or physical disability you have will decide whether you qualify for DSA equipment (which is just free equipment suited to your disabilities). I have mild Dyslexia, or at least that is where I fall into when I do psychological tests, where as my brain scan says that I have minor brain damage of the limbic system… which really isn’t as bad as it sounds, it just mean that my hippocampus and hypothalamus don’t spark up when they should be. I had a lot of ear infections as a child, which caused the damage, but because of the generally open format of what Dyslexia is I fall into the bracket, in the same sense that most people could fall into the Autistic spectrum if tested. I’m not too keen on being classed as Dyslexia, simply because the majority of people have no idea what Dyslexia is – and I swear to cow if another person asks me “oh yeah, Dyslexia, so does that mean you can’t spell and count?” I will kill you with a pencil – and I’m also tired of hearing people diagnosing themselves with Dyslexia because they have poor mathematical skills or grammar, sometimes you’re just plain stupid so don’t go clinging to disabilities. But anyway, despite the fact that I do doubt how useful these things will be for my studies, you know being that it is now a month after finishing University, the DSA wanted me to have these things to counter any impairments so during the end of the first year I took the assessments and sent my results off, two years later they finally contacted me with approval, so during the start of third year I finished the applications and now at the end of my Degree (TODAY!) I will actually be getting the fabled equipment.

            Or at least that is what I have been told, I cant help but question it after not only waiting two years to finally get to this point, but also after suffering through three years of Edge Hills and Student Finances “Oh, you wanted us to actually do something… Yeah, no that isn’t going to happen” approach. I’ve been told it will be delivered at 12, so I should get it around 5pm. Edge Hill you once again have made me the most suspicious when giving me free things, not many Universities go the extra mile of getting you used to the real world by taking £9,000 of your money and then laughing at you, as they walk away with it. But to give me equipment for my Degree, after I’ve already finished the three years really adds new levels to the mismanagement found in Edge Hill.

Oh another note, I have RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) in my wrist from whisking cake batter, and it hurts like a bitch, I decided that learning how to knit, and therefore knitting wrist cuffs would be the best idea to cope with this… It wasn’t, if anything it has most definitely aggravated it further. I may have myself tested for mental retardation, it would be worth it to see what free shit they give me then… Three years after I needed them.

After Thought:
The legendary DSA equipment has actually arrived, and even an hour earlier then scheduled, I therefore take back all my bitter comments... not the ones aimed at Edge Hill, just the ones aimed at Wyvern Business Systems. So I now have a PC, printer and scanner and a shiny Livescribe (for those wondering: http://www.livescribe.com/uk/smartpen/echo/) but now I really don't have anything to do on any of the equipment, I could have used it to do my essays, that would have been really useful, but instead I'm left editing a blog post.

Despite the delay on my own equipment, I do think it is worth getting yourself assessed if you feel you may have any form of disability, few people know the extent to which the SpLD team can help and what things you may be 'entitled' to because of your impairment. You'll have to go through a psychological assessment to gauge where you fall in the disabilities brackets, mine cost something under £100 and after this it should take around ten days until you get the results back and then it will be decided whether your disability requires any specialist equipment or personal assistance throughout your studies. After the psychological assessment you will also take a needs assessment test with your supplier to find out what equipment is out there and whether you would ever find it useful, I was given a PC (but you can choose yourself whether you would prefer instead to have a laptop) and Inspiration (http://www.inspiration.com/) and Claro Software (http://www.clarosoftware.com/index.php). Originally the DSA had intended to rent all the equipment to me, or I could pay £108 pounds and instead buy all the equipment - and as they have planned to rent it from the 24th of May to the 16th of July it was by far the best option for myself to pay for the equipment outright - all in all you will end up spending a maximum of £200 on a lot of equipment suited to what you need the most, so it's worth the cost of the assessments.


I think when it comes to any disability it really is best to get yourself tested, I was always aware I had an impairment, but it was only through taking the test that I realized to what extent it had gone. For example: I have what a lot of people with Dyslexia and Dyspraxia have, a visual impairment that makes any colours on paper or screen produce a glare that makes it difficult to look at, but I wasn't aware that if I was to attempt to read black or white lettering's on a red piece of paper the glare would swallow up the writing and as far as I would know I would be looking at a plain piece of red paper. When it comes to disabilities I've noticed people tend to reject any form of diagnosis because they don't want to be labelled, and in fairness even I don't like telling people that I am (because suddenly people assume they know more about Dyslexia then you do, and actually try to tell me my own symptoms), but without testing you'll never fully understand the symptoms you have - which means you can never actively counter the limitations you may have.


So in short:

Things that will make me feed you your own tongue;  


"Oh yeah, I have Dyslexia too"
"Oh, ok. What where you diagnosed with?"
"... Well, I haven't actually been tested but I always misspell words so I obviously have it"


"Oh yeah, Dyslexia - so can you not do mathematical equations?"
"Mine is more colour and memory based"
"Oh. But isn't Dyslexia just about spelling and counting? Are you sure you have Dyslexia... maybe you have a visual impairment"

 Things you should be doing;


If you think you have a disability, go get yourself tested - instead of just putting a label on any limitation you feel you have to make yourself feel better.


Never assume knowledge on disabilities because you have heard it mentioned once, in the same way you wouldn't say this -
"Oh, you have cancer. So sorry to hear that, have you started chemo yet?"
"No, that's just one of my options but for now I'm hoping that my medicine can help hold it off whilst I wait for my surgery to remove the tumor"
"Oh... are you sure you have cancer then, because I'm pretty sure you go into chemo once you're diagnosed with cancer"
- give others the same courtesy.

Shameless Promotion

My friend has started drawing illustrations in the last couple years, and I think they're worth some of your time, so for any blog readers out there contemplating writing children stories - or who have already started and completed ones - he might just be worth your interest. Follow his Zouzou Bear or the Bath Tub Journals and you will find that his art in itself is a journey, he would like to carry this on by working hand-in-hand with an author to help visualize and create the world you write into images. Although he maybe some what of a newbie, he has already moved on greatly and sold his first piece.

For his Blog:
http://aaronread.wordpress.com

If you're interested in more of his art:
http://thelittleoctopus.co.uk/aaron-read

And throw him a like on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/AaronReadGonnaBeFamous


Check out what he's been doing, and hopefully you'll enjoy it.

How to Hate: Part 1

So, the option I put in as a joke is currently winning the poll... Well, isn’t that brilliant. It was the only option I hadn’t figured out what I could write about, but I have faith that no one knows egotism and world-hating like I do. I shall rant and world hate like never before, you will regret trolling my blog – or at least that is the theory.

Parents irritate me, but not just parents whose kids run around supermarkets screaming – I don’t fully blame the parents for that, it just makes me want to trip the child up and make them eat pavement (I mean... Something normal) – what really annoys me is that people becoming parents haven’t matured themselves. Not just ‘young’ parents, but men and women using a child for their own gain, and harming their child because of their own mistakes. In the past five years I have had friends who have: lied to a sexual partner about being on a pill to get themselves pregnant in the hope to trap the partner into a relationship (it didn’t work out as she planned; she now uses the four year old boy as a weapon against the father), and another who became pregnant in the hope that it would stop their current boyfriend cheating on her (he also managed to convince her to have another child so they could get more money on benefits, - he’s still cheating on her – they now have three children under 9 years old). This isn’t just in my own lost little generation, even some of the parents of friends have fallen prey to their own selfish nature, parents having a child because they ‘felt like it’, or creating the most socially-retarded children I have ever met because they decided that a break-up of parents gave them the right to fling children from father to mother leaving children with no understanding of a home, and no concept of love because all they saw between their parents was bitterness.

            When did humanity care so little about their offspring? I feel like I’ve slipped into a Jeremy Kyle style, reversed utopia where now people only see the short-sighted goals, unable to observe that a child is a commitment that not only requires care, and food for the next 21 years, but also requires you to teach them everything of the world – so if you’re contemplating having a child, as you dribble over the big words in The Sun then please re-evaluate your life, maybe look after a Tamagotchi, see how long it takes you to kill that.

An Incentive

My blog has had a shiny new make-over ... I doubt you can tell, but I can, mainly because it took me forty minutes to fix the word spacings after making the changes; I’m sure someone adept with computers could have done it in 5 minutes. So yes, shiny new updates – I’ll bake a delicious cupcake for anyone who notices these changes – and more importantly a Poll, it should be on your left-hand side of the screen as you read. I’ve decided to focus my attention on areas that may have been glanced over by myself, or generally people want to read more of, unfortunately I can’t promise that this new focus will stop my ramblings of [mild] insanity, but it will give me an idea of what to write about – instead of switching from either topic like a bi-polar writer with Attention Deficit Disorder. So remember to vote, it will be greatly appreciated.

Also: Expect the next blog to be on Lactose-Intolerance and Dyslexia... Oh, I treat you reader, sometimes I fear I may be injecting too much fun into this blog. I’ll be doing a poor attempt at genetic studies, and then ranting about Disabled Students Allowance (it is exactly these types of bi-polar, ADD blogs that I will be stopping once I get some votes. Incentive).

Memory Lapse

You know that moment when someone you have only met maybe three times hits on you repeatedly about a foot away from your boyfriend, and then when questioned about it claims that you must just be making it up because you’re a woman, and therefore emotional.

No?

Oh.... Just me then.